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2021 Reflection

I wanted to take some time to reflect back on the year, as I usually do, but this time I’m going to share it with you guys on here. I started with what I felt was the easiest way…by going back through my camera roll, but then I thought that my journal entries might be a better indication of how I was doing, rather than just the pictures of me smiling in front of a camera.

After debating on what would capture the year better, I realized they are equally as important to reflect on. My journal entries are a bit more raw, and sometimes even a bit dark. They’re my way of venting and trying to overcome struggles I’m dealing with internally. So, I don’t think it’s fair to base this year, or any year for that matter, on one or the other. There are ups, as there are downs. Looking at pictures, as well as reading back on my thoughts gives me a good reflection of both.

I would like to say that I know these past couple years have taken a lot of good things away from people, so I encourage you to reflect on both the good and the bad, even though it can be difficult.

To put it bluntly, I started this year in a very dark place. Towards the end of last year, I had lost all motivation for myself and felt like I was at a dead end. I had no idea what direction I should head in. I was caught in the middle of feeling like I was wasting time trying to decide on a future, while also feeling like I was wasting time continuing to go down a path I knew didn’t align with what I wanted to do long-term. I didn’t know what I truly wanted to do with my life, and to be honest, I still don’t. The difference between the beginning of the year and now, though, is I’m not putting unnecessary pressure on myself to make up my mind.

I felt so lost and trapped, that I moved home a little over a year ago. Was this the right choice? I don’t know, but it was what I felt I needed to do for the time being. I thought maybe moving home and taking a step back from my life in Utah would give me clarity, but I ended up feeling like I had no space. I felt like I was treading water, financially and emotionally. There was a lot of self discovery and healing I was trying to do in a place where I felt restricted. Was it a mission failed? No, definitely not. I started to prioritize myself and was faced with a problem I had been suppressing over the years by keeping myself busy. I associated being alone with being lonely. Something I’ve done for as long as I can remember. I realized I would be doing myself a disservice by not trying to fix this, while I had the freedom to do so.

I started taking time for myself. I would do the things I liked to do, but I started doing them alone. Going to get coffee. People watching. Having conversations with strangers. I still had a hard time sitting in my room alone, but that was where journaling helped. I would let the dark thoughts out when I did feel lonely, but use somewhat of a reward system the following day by going out and doing small things I enjoy, ALONE. I felt it was important to associate doing things alone as a reward.

It’s now the day after Christmas. My family was in town for a few days for Christmas. I am now alone again. And for the first time, I truly feel relieved to be alone. I love my family, and we had a great time while they were here, but I felt like I truly achieved my goal of becoming more comfortable with myself this year, as soon as I sat down alone at one of my favorite coffee shops and felt at peace. I’d say that’s a pretty long ways from where I started the year. It’s important I recognize this for myself, because this was something I wasn’t sure how long it’d take to accomplish.

This year was also the beginning of my website, something I’ve had in the back of my mind for a long time. It’s been a time to reconnect with people that became even more important to me, while also refining the people I surround myself with. I decided to get rid of a lot of the toxic energy around me, and now I truly feel like I’m building a family with the people that are good for me.

I also felt more in touch with my personal style this year more than ever. I’ve been to a ton of new coffee shops and restaurants I can add to my ongoing portfolio of yummy places haha. As a foodie, this was very important and something that builds the more I travel. My dad took me to a lot of amazing restaurants growing up, and now that I’m older and don’t have him around to show me new places, I’ve made it a goal to find them myself, so I can share them with the people around me. This brings me to travel, and this year I’ve traveled more than ever, but most importantly, I did a lot of it on my own. This is something extremely important for the coming years, because I don’t want to hesitate to do the things I love, in fear of doing them on my own.

This is probably the longest T talk I’ve done so far, and I could probably go much more in depth, but I’ll stop here. I wanted to recognize the balance of this year, and the progress I’ve allowed myself to make that got me here. On to 2022!


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