Updated: Jul 26, 2021
I try not to think about life. I wonder if I'll always be this sad and if the bursts of happiness I get once in a blue moon will disappear one day forever. I am really empty inside, but dyeing is too scary.
My mind feels like a war zone, and the only thing that's protecting me is the bad habits I have created to get away from the pain I go through. I'm fighting a war all alone against myself. How am I supposed to win? It's not like I can get away. Like I said, the only thing "protecting" me is the bad habits I have created. The bad habits are like undercover spies acting like they are on my side but, in fact, helping me self-destruct faster and faster. I know I have these issues, but I don't want them anymore, and when I get those bursts of happiness, I wonder when it'll be gone and if I am actually happy? It's like walking past someone you used to know, like the back of your hand, but you try to avoid them walking past. Then after you see them, you think about them for the rest of the day. That's what my sadness feels like when I am happy. In a twisted, weird way, I like being sad. I mean, I don't like when I am stuck in bed for a week or two, not able to get up except for for the bathroom and the occasional bowl of popcorn. It's just comfortable. Being happy is just too risky because it can be gone in a second. But when I am sad, it's familiar, I know it's there, and I know it always will be.
I know I am doing well when I start to take care of myself. Make my bed, make juice, shower. Shower sounds gross, but when you are sucked into your bed of comfort wrapped in your delusions of life, it's hard to get up and bathe yourself. I'll start to be able to see the ground of my floor; that's when I know I am digging myself out of my self-destruction hole.
I think as a whole; we are all under so much pressure to be great. And no matter what we do, it has to be perfect, even if it's your first time doing something. Most likely, there is a video somewhere out there of you failing, or you just straight-up fucking up. And people will use that against you to put them ahead. And that's not cool, it feels like there are no true friends anymore, and you can't trust anyone. People act like they are on your side, but they will do anything to put you down if it benefits them. That might be a reason leaving my house to hang out with people is so hard for me. It doesn't help that my brain tells me, "They don't actually like you; they just feel bad for you." "What you said was so embarrassing. If they didn't already hate you, they probably do now." I have a good reason for thinking this, though. In my prime time of 13- to now, I have this person in my life that loves to tell me these things. “Why don't you just get away from her?”, you might ask; well, I can't. Trust me, I avoid her best I can, but I have to see her every day. She and I used to be best friends until I noticed her doing these things to me and finding out she would make up things about me and spread rumors. I guess this is one of the reasons why I don’t trust people. Maybe paranoid is a better word for this example.
I've always been told my feelings aren't valid. I think this is the biggest lesson I have learned this year. My feelings are valid, and so are yours. When I start to feel a certain way, I tell myself I am not allowed to feel that way. But in fact, I am. I am allowed to feel whatever, and nobody has a say in how I feel or WHO I AM. I don't understand why people give their opinion of others. I am no longer living for YOU; I am living for ME. And I am now happy to be alive and living.