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Dear Stranger

Updated: Jul 26, 2021

Dear Stranger,

It’s weird that that’s all we are now - strangers. I used to think you’d be in my life forever and you promised that you would be. I think what sucks the most is that I’m not surprised, how can I be surprised that we’re strangers when everything about us was messy and unlikely to last? There’s so much to say to you and I don’t think I could ever say it to your face without breaking so here’s a letter to you:

The first time I left it was only for the summer and it sucked but I thought we made it through it okay. The second time I left for a bit longer than the summer because I was scared to live alone during a pandemic and thought I’d feel safer at home. But that second time I decided to leave you wanted to leave us. . . and I thought you meant forever but you confused me because you didn’t. And then I took you back. And as much as I wish I could say it was - it wasn’t a mistake. I thought I still needed you and it took me five months and you wanting to leave again for me to realize that I cried more during our relationship, that I felt more alone, and more dependent when you couldn’t give me what I asked for. Some people call them ‘breaks’ but I realize that you just didn’t want me enough to stay together and make things work. You realized that I’d always take you back.

There is so much to say but I’ve run out of energy trying to convince you. I know that we will never be together again but I will always love you. And that kind of sucks - to still love someone who made me cry and broke my heart three times, someone who gave me just enough reassurance to get me to stay until you wanted to walk away. You always told me that actions speak louder than words and it’s almost like you were giving me a clue, because your words never met your actions and it took me an embarrassingly long time to realize that. I know I’m painting our relationship in a bad light and there was more to it than what I’ve said. You were my home for three years and my best friend. Sometimes I wonder if we could have stayed just friends but I think I would’ve fallen in love either way. I do miss you but I really don’t cry as much anymore. . . but it is hard to write this. There’s times when it's hard to come to terms that we don’t speak and I probably will never see you again. In case you were wondering, I graduate this fall and then I’ll likely leave for good. It’s hard to stay in a place where I used to have you and a place that just continues to bring me pain. . .

Maybe one day I’ll have the strength to let you go but I know I can never forget you - all the good and the bad. You were the first person I chose to love and you were truly there when I needed someone most. I don’t need you anymore though, and I hope you find happiness elsewhere. Maybe you can fulfill your dream promises of forever for someone else; I’m sorry it couldn’t be me. I may have made a mistake that last time I walked out your door but it was my final goodbye so there’s really nothing left for me to say anymore.

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