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Self Sabotage or Self Growth?

Welcome back everyone.

It’s a day of reflection for me, so let’s get into it. I’ve really been struggling to use my positive outlets lately and have fallen into a bit of a dry spell as far as motivation goes. I received a “Dear Stranger” letter this morning, and I was astonished by how much I could relate to giving into the self sabotage they described. Growing up, my family joked about how I tend to sabotage myself, typically in relationships, but it really is something that has followed me up until now. I wouldn’t say I regret the choices I’ve made, but there was definitely a strong urge of self sabotage that led me to a lot of my next endeavors. I would say it’s a blessing and a curse, in the sense that I know I will never allow myself to stay in a lifestyle that doesn’t work for me.

I know a lot of people that stay where they’re at, doing what they’re doing, because it’s comfortable. Personally, being “comfortable” makes me uncomfortable. I know, totally backwards. I’ve had this happen with relationships, schooling, jobs, etc. If I can picture exactly what my life will look like in the next five years, I squirm. I run. I back out. The thought of routine is repulsive and while it has made for some really fun spontaneous adventures, it comes with a downfall, as well. Every time someone my age graduates, I think about how I dropped out and won’t have that satisfaction. Every time someone asks me if I’m taking classes and I say no, I hate that there is some sort of assumption of failure when I tell them my current job. I’ve even been asked about certain possible romantic partners in my past and thought about how I pushed them away, just as I started to feel comfortable around them.

Here’s the point, though. I never wanted ANY of that.

Thinking back about the things I was going to school for, the things I was spending thousands of dollars to learn about, don’t even remotely intrigue me. And it sounds terrible, but I don’t regret pushing certain people away from me. Whether they were friends or romantic interests. I don’t regret any of it, because I didn’t love the way my life looked with them in it. So is it actually self-sabotage? Or self growth?

Maybe I just have a very powerful sense of intuition, or maybe I have a problem with seeing things through. Life is too short to waste my time wondering, though, and I’m starting to understand how to live for myself. Not to please anyone else.

Thank you for coming to my T Talk. Here’s a list I put together of recurring things/messages that have been extra loud lately.

  • Spend time alone, especially with thoughts/ feelings

  • Don’t judge your behavioral patterns, just reflect on them

  • Use your intuition

  • Don’t squander your abilities

  • Stop people pleasing

  • Sometimes you need tension in order for progress

  • Allow your character to emerge, rather than respond how you think you should

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