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Trusting Myself More

I’ve had a recurring message make its way to me over the last couple weeks. It’s been along the lines of if you feel like something needs to be shared with the world, you’re probably right. You should share your thoughts even if it doesn’t feel like anyone is listening. You know, stuff that’s encouraging me to just lay it all out there, regardless of who is watching.

Recently, I have been on the hunt for good books mainly revolving around human behaviors. (I’m a little bit obsessed with understanding how and why us humans react the way we do.) I recently found “The Dance of Anger” and was instantly intrigued, because it goes into depth about how and why we all show anger differently.

I have never been able to grasp the emotion of anger very well. I don’t know why that is, but anger is not a common emotion for me. I feel like I can get angry on a surface-level. You know, road rage, groaning about something that’s bothering me, etc., but I mean rage. I’ve never truly felt anger consume me, as happiness or sadness has before. Even when I’ve truly been given a reason to be angry, it usually just turns into frustration. I don’t blow up, I break down. And don’t get me wrong, I can hold my own and carry an argument, but if it’s bad enough, I probably will end up crying afterwards.

A sports therapy specialist was assigned to meet with my team back when I was 15, while I was doing aerial ski jumping. I remember being so bothered by our meetings because in all honesty, he didn’t understand me. He was trying to help me reach a positive mindset for my jumping, but approached it as if he were the athlete, rather than learning how my mind works in a training environment. I recall him talking to me about a trick I just couldn’t quite get a handle on, and he said something along the lines of “you just need to get really angry and do it.” I remember sitting there silent and then trying to explain to him that if I get angry while I’m training, I’m just going to break down, which is the opposite of what we’re trying to achieve. He tried to rephrase what he had said about turning anger into a positive thing, which I think is great for other people, but that’s just not me. I remember being even more frustrated with this skill after our talk, because I couldn’t just make myself angry and turn it into something good. I thought something was wrong with me and I was just being dramatic, and then one day the vibes at practice just felt easier, and everyone was having a good time. I warmed up, and then tried the new skill again for probably the 100th time, and it flowed as if I’d been doing them for years. Just like that, no more mental block. I could do it over and over and over.

By trying to force an emotion I hardly ever experience, all I did was stress myself out for the next 6 years trying to figure out why I can’t handle anger like other people. I still don’t have a good handle on why I react the way I do. So here we go.

The author begins by explaining the frustration of being denied and rejected by the writing community while trying to publish the book I’m currently reading. They mention how they would get upset when being in a place like a library, because they felt defeated by the greats, rather than inspired. The part that gets me is when she says, “I knew there was a serious need for the book I was writing, but that conviction only left me feeling mystified and doomed.”

As I try to grow my own website, I struggle with talking about some of my more passionate subjects. There are so many things that need to be vocalized and shared with you. There is so much to say, but then I think to myself “not yet.” Sometimes I push those matters off for when I’m more accomplished so people will listen to what I have to say, but what’s ironic is one of the things that frustrates me most that I would love to talk about on here, is how we train people to think you have to have credibility to have an opinion. I understand some jobs need credibility. You can’t take health advice from just anyone off the street, but opinions?

You can’t tell me that my opinion isn’t as valid as the next person. It’s an opinion, and it has to do with what I have lived through and what I have taken away from it. For example, there are experts and doctors that study abuse, which is great, but just because you have studied abuse doesn’t mean you’ve been abused. There is so much more that we can learn from people who have experience on a certain topic, while also taking the experts' knowledge into account.

Back to my original point about holding off on important matters. I know I’m not established or have a huge following, but there are things I care about, and there are things that should be shared, so I will do my best to let you guys read all of my crazy thoughts, even if only a few of you find it interesting. This is most importantly a safe space for me, but I hope it is for you too.


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